Is Your Boss Abusive or Invalidating? – Here’s How to Tell
Everyone has had at least one awful boss in their lives.There’s the supervisor so awkward, having any interaction with them is painful. Or, consider the boss that never cuts you a break. Every time you see them, they criticize you over something.We could go on for the rest of this post of the many ways bosses can be terrible. However, let’s focus on two issues that you might have with a bad boss.The first is when you have an abusive boss, and the second is when they are invalidating.Although the two can be related, they are also separate and distinct problems that require a particular mindset to face.
What it Means to be Abusive
When looking up the definition of “abusive” in the Merriam-Webster dictionary, some keywords and phrases jump out, including:
Harsh
Insulting
Physical violence
Emotional cruelty
Wrong or improper use of action
At the very least, someone who is abusive is being a jerk. Think of the schoolyard bully who calls you an insulting name.On the other side of the spectrum, an abusive person might be physically violent. They could even threaten your own life and personal safety. An example of this might be an abusive spouse or partner who is both cruel and physically violent.
When Someone is Invalidating
Now, let’s consider the meaning of invalidation. Let’s first look at the root word “invalid.” According to Merriam-Webster, this means:
Being without foundation or force in fact, truth, or law
Logically inconsequent
Go a step further, and to invalidate is defined as:
To weaken or destroy the cogency of
Take a moment to consider these definitions, and let them sink in. Essentially, when someone is invalidating toward you, they are saying you are without meaning—inconsequential and without merit.
Denying Your Existence Matters
The real effect of invalidation is that it serves to take away any meaning to your existence. In essence, you are erased from life.Any action you take to stand up for yourself, make a point, or assert yourself is shot down by the person invalidating you. This situation happens in both small and large social settings.Using the schoolyard bully example again, if you tell them to stop what they are doing, they might say “Shut up!” That’s undoubtedly invalidating.On a macro scale, it’s when whole groups of people are denied their humanity or their right to exist at all.
How Does This All Relate to Your Boss?
A boss can be both abusive and invalidating at the same time.For example, let’s say you have a boss that gets angry quickly. At staff meetings, they yell at the top of their lungs and say some hurtful or offensive things to you. However, you have come to expect this from your boss. You don’t like it and want it to stop, but you have been able to insulate yourself from these flare-ups.Now, consider when your boss is invalidating. It actually might be more subtle than you realize, such as:
They don’t recognize your work, even when your peers do
You are not invited to meetings or specific gatherings
The feedback that you provide is ignored
When you request additional responsibilities, you are told that you are not needed
These are just a few examples, but imagine what happens over time. The cumulative impact of your boss’s invalidation is demoralizing. You begin to wonder if there is something innately wrong with you. Also, you feel powerless to change anything about the situation.
Getting Professional Help
You can’t change your boss, and yet, that doesn’t mean the situation is out of your control.For starters, take care of yourself first. This approach might include seeing a therapist. There’s a lot to unpack here, and a professional who understands these issues can help. Also, they can be reassuring and provide ideas on how to cope with the stress associated with a bad boss.In the end, if you have a boss that is being abusive or invalidating, you might have to start looking elsewhere for a new position. That can be hard, but your emotional well-being is essential, too. Don’t hesitate to seek out counseling and get professional career counseling help.—If you’re facing either an invalidating or abusive boss, please contact my office today to schedule a consultation.